Never Meant To Be
by Alexia Lupin
Summary: Remus & Sirius's questionable affection toward one another. One-shot Fluffy SLASH R
1. The Boy Of Black

**Disclaimer: **All HP characters belong to the lovely J.K. she's just letting me borrow them without knowledge of doing so.

**Author's Note:** My first ever slash! I dunno if I should be excited or disgusted... I actually wrote this last year, but until now haven't typed it up, but as always, enjoy. ; )

**Never Meant To Be**

**1:The Boy Of Black**

The first time Remus's eyes fell on Sirius he knew Sirius possessed an unrivaled bout of charisma.

And who could argue Remus's thoughts? Sirius, even at age eleven, was a stunningly handsome boy. His raven hair framed his face of the perfect pigment of peach, his haunting gray eyes twinkled with mirth at everything he beheld, and his teeth, pearly white and straight, could be seen behind the grin he constantly wore. He held himself loftily, but not as a pompous arrogant git, no, it was just an inherited trait of the Black family.

Remus, on the other hand, was put off by his appearance. His light brown hair was not well groomed, it was rather straggly but cutely so, giving him a disheveled wind blown appearance. He was rather skinny and sickly for his age, owing to his monthly 'condition'. He thus was pale and rather peaky leading up to, during and after the full moon. Which also gave the impression he was weak, but spending his nights locked in a ramshackle house with no one but himself to gnaw on, tends to do that to a werewolf. His eyes however, the only remnant of an unknown father, dead and gone, he treasured. Perhaps the only piece of him he never loathed at one point or another, a lovely shade of palest blue, flecks of midnight dancing around his pupils.

In the beginning Remus never believed he'd see the boy no closer than from afar. But thoughts such as these fell away when the boy of Black looked at him directly, causing a lump to form in Remus's throat, and spoke.

"Mind if I sit with you?"

Remus didn't seem to hear clearly, his mouth partially open.

Sirius gave him that stunning smile, "I'm Sirius Black, who're you?"

Remus drew in breath as Sirius sat across from him, eyeing him interestedly, "R-Remus Lupin."

"That wasn't hard was it?" Sirius continued, "I expect this is your first year as well?" And with these words the conversation began, the nervousness melted, and the start of their lifelong friendship began.


	2. Promise

**2:Promise**

Daybreak's light filtered through the cracks in the Shrieking Shack's walls, wakening Remus from his troubled sleep. He bolted up right; had he dreamt that James and Sirius had been there? He jumped as he noticed the cloak covering the lower half of his body. His brows knotted. What had happened once he'd transformed? He looked around; in a shadowy corner furthest from him and his bindings, sat Sirius, his head on his chest. James lay curled at Sirius's feet.

_I didn't harm them_, Remus thought with relief. He untied the ropes, now that he had human fingers to do so, and dressed quickly. Just as he was knotting his laces, Sirius stirred.

"I didn't think I'd be able to keep my secret from you three for long..." Remus spoke once Sirius was fully awake and had noticed him. "Well, do you think me a horrible monster? Did you stick around so you could be the first to inform me how hideous I am?" Remus asked bitterly.

Sirius scowled and stood, creeping past the sleeping James and kneeling before Remus. "First off, you're not horrible, hideous, a monster or any other negative thing you might choose to say you are." Growled Sirius.

Remus stared at him in guilty silence. He shouldn't have lost his temper, especially at Sirius.

"Reem, we followed you because we care. We used James' invisibility cloak to see where Pomfrey was taking you. And we stuck around to make sure you were okay."

Remus still didn't speak but nodded a little, his eyes returning to rest on Sirius' face. "Sorry."

Sirius shrugged.

The two sat in silence for a moment.

"It looks bloody painful." Sirius commented. "How long have you been a werewolf?"

"I was bitten when I was six." Replied Remus with slight indifference.

"You didn't make a whole lot of friends I suppose."

"You suppose right." Remus nodded, "Even if they were accepting like you, by hanging around with me it's only a matter of time before I hurt someone."

Sirius chuckled, "You wouldn't hurt me."

Remus smiled sadly, "I would never intentionally hurt you but when I transform I lose myself, I'm likely to kill anything that crosses my path."

Uncharacteristically Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus' neck in a hug.

Remus' eyes widened.

"Don't worry Reem, we'll find a way to help."

_I wish you could_. Remus thought sadly.

"We'll be with you." They weren't just words of comfort, he meant them whole heartedly.

Remus relaxed and rested his chin on Sirius' shoulder, closing his eyes and returning the embrace.


	3. Surfacing Feelings

**3:Surfacing Feelings**

"Reem? Are you done yet?"

Remus glanced up from his potion's book.

Sirius lounged across the room in a chair by the window watching him intently.

This had been the fourth time the question had risen within two hours time, Remus could feel Sirius' restlessness and he sighed; knowing Sirius would much rather be playing Gobstones, Wizarding Chess or flying with James than watching Remus do homework he himself refused to do until the last minute. But for the life of Remus he couldn't understand why Sirius wouldn't find Peter to play with him. Why if he was so bored, didn't he get up and do something about it?

"Why don't you join me?" Remus asked for the fifth time, Sirius shook his head grimacing.

"I'd much rather do something else with you."

Remus' heart gave a jolt but didn't let himself falter. "I know you're bored, but I want to get this done. If you do your homework, _like you're supposed to_, it'll take your mind off things."

"That rubbish is boring too."

Remus sighed once more, he truly enjoyed Sirius' companionship but Sirius' complaints had a limit.

"What would you like me to do?" Remus asked with slight exasperation, turning to Sirius shutting his book, and laying his quill neatly beside it.

Sirius surveyed him quietly for a moment. He placed a hand under his chin in mock concentration, looking to the common room ceiling for an answer.

Remus had a feeling one of Sirius' favourite pastimes was to tease him, which seemed fairly obvious as Sirius practically glowed with enjoyment and Remus began to suspect this was all staged.

After a long minute's pause of silence, Sirius returned his gaze to Remus, a grin on his face.

"What do _you_ want to do?"

Remus showed his full exasperation, but a smile increasing in size ruined his attempt at annoyance.

"Whatever'll take place of your plague of boredom."

Sirius smiled approvingly.

"So then _I_ may work in peace." He added, grinning mischievously.

This was the trigger.

Sirius strode to Remus' seat by the fireplace and sat in the chair in front of him. He perched on the edge, his eyes narrowed, upper body leaning forward.

Remus took this as a challenge. He shifted in his seat, so that he too was on the edge leaning forward, his elbows rested on his knees, his fists cupping his chin.

They began a stare down, the circular table holding Remus' school work the only thing in-between them.

Remus was good at not breaking his gaze and Sirius knew it. He grinned, Remus grinned back. He stuck out his tongue, Remus was unphased, he tried to blow a raspberry without scrunching his eyes closed, he failed and Remus chuckled. Finally, on the verge of forfeit, Sirius, never blinking, moved forward, taking Remus by surprise, and planted a kiss on the other boy's lips.

Remus broke his gaze before Sirius was upon him, dumb-struck he sat, Sirius' lips firmly interlocked with his own then suddenly he pushed Sirius away.

"N-no." Remus mumbled, his face flushed, his hands clammy.

The smile slid from Sirius' face, he too was pink in the cheeks and breathing heavily.

"You didn't want me to kiss you?"

Remus shook his head automatically, then caught himself nodding.

"Which is it?" Sirius asked, leaning back in his chair, still tense and full of adrenaline, his voice showing his hurt.

"I-" Remus couldn't find himself able to speak, his thumping heart lodged in his wind pipe.

Sirius frowned.

He wanted Sirius to kiss him right? Yes and no. His head began to throb in time with his heart.

"When you've come to a conclusion..." Sirius trailed off moodily. He slid from his seat and strode to the portrait hole, he glanced back once and disappeared.

Remus' brow furrowed in anguish.

Was Sirius mad at him? Was he disappointed? Yes of course. Would he refuse to speak to him?

Remus leapt from his chair, knocking over his things as he did so, he hurried after Sirius.


	4. Boys Be

**4:Boys Be**

"Sirius!" Remus was glad the word would escape his lips, but he feared nothing else would. He skidded around the corner, Sirius feet ahead of him, "Wait!"

Sirius halted, his hands loosely in the pockets of his robes.

"I'm sorry." Remus panted, his cheeks still flushed.

"For?" He raised an eyebrow.

Remus furrowed his, was Sirius purposefully ignoring what happened seconds ago?

"Aren't you mad at me?"

Sirius shook his head, that signature grin forming on his lips. "Should I be?"

Remus frowned, "I don't know..." He looked to his shoes.

Now both of Sirius' eyebrows rose. He placed his hands on Remus' shoulders, who felt his face flush anew as he looked up.

"Are you all right mate?"

Why was Sirius acting this way? Remus' brow knotted in confusion.

"I think it's all the studying you've been doing, you need to get a decent amount of sleep tonight."

"Wha-?" Remus looked at him quizzically, "Why are-what do you mean?"

Sirius laughed, "Yup, you do. Napping on your homework is leaving you a bit drained and sluggish."

Remus' bottom jaw dropped, " I fell asleep?"

Sirius chuckled, leaning on Remus' left shoulder, his face close to Remus' ear. "When I left you were snoozing heavily. Surprising though, you woke up seconds after I left." He resumed his full height. "You been day dreaming?"

All of this came as a shock yet it all made sense. It was only a dream.

Remus finally nodded.

Sirius laughed once more, "It must have been pretty deep. So what did you do that made me mad?"

Remus shook his head, "I dunno, nothing, it was nothing."

Sirius stared at the shaken Remus, wondering whether to pursue the topic or not, before he could decide they were joined by James.

He made a surprise attack, carefully avoiding Remus' gaze and successfully pouncing on Sirius from behind.

Sirius grinned even as his arms groped the air trying to maintain his balance.

Remus was thankful for the distraction and shoved the vivid dream into a dark corner of his brain.

"Are you two _finally_ done with homework?" James asked maintaining a firm grip around Sirius' neck.

"Are you done flirting?" Sirius retorted, he backed into the stone wall, attempting to knock James from his back.

James would have glared teasingly if he had not been struggling to hold on.

"She still won't have you then?" Remus asked, eyebrows raised.

James gave a muffled laugh as he collided with the wall once more, with one strong collision James let Sirius free.

Sirius panted briefly, rubbing his neck while he grinned.

James caught his breath before giving Remus a proper answer. "My attempts to woo the lovely Lily have fallen upon deft ears." He announced dramatically.

The others laughed.

"You call that wooing?" They turned; having reached the top stair Peter stood grinning at them.

James blew a raspberry in reply.

"Pete! Wondered when you'd show up." Sirius beamed.

"So what were his antics this time?" Remus asked.

"Showing off-_again_." Peter replied.

"What would our Jamesy do if-gasp-he weren't brilliant at everything?" Sirius asked in mock horror.

James rolled his eyes, "I'd use Cyrano de Bergerac," there were raised eyebrows as to who this was, "Because Remus is the brightest one amongst you lot."

This statement didn't have the effect he'd intended and James had to go into a lengthy discussion on the Muggle book.

"Anyway, at least I _have_ a girlfriend."

"Girlfriend?" Remus was the first to protest, "I don't think you know the correct meaning of the word."

"Cause the girl has to like you, and well," Peter shrugged, "Lily seems to hate you mate."

James made to protest but Sirius cut in.

"S'all right James." Sirius wrapped an arm around James' shoulder, "You're still my girlfriend." With that Sirius planted a kiss on his head.

Peter howled with laughter and James scowled, wiping at his forehead.

"S'matter Reem?" Sirius inquired, Remus hadn't laughed but stood blank faced and quiet. "You want one too?"

Remus had no chance to protest or move before Sirius kissed his cheek. He felt the colour rise in his face, hoping the others wouldn't notice.

As Remus stood stunned Sirius had moved on to Peter, "I haven't forgotten you." But Peter fled, Sirius and James laughing heartily.

"I know," James suggested, "Let's go blow up the toilets."

Sirius grinned at this idea, "Here's hoping Snivellus is occupying one."


	5. The Truth

**5:The Truth**

_That kiss didn't mean a thing._ Remus told himself as he stood in the shower one evening. The warm water streaming down his face and hugging the curves of his smooth skin.

Even a year after their afternoon of mischief, sentenced to two weeks detention, and no Hogsmeade for the rest of the school year, Remus still thought often of that day.

Hard as he tried to push the dream from his mind, just as hard to firmly believe it was a figment of his imagination, it and the feelings it awoke, would not go away. Yes, awoke. Remus was now realizing he'd never felt strongly for the opposite sex and added to this, he had feelings for his best friend. He would love to have that peck on the cheek mean something, have new kisses, better one's, mean a whole lot. But the price to reveal his true feelings was too high, he'd rather long to be more intimate with Sirius then live with the scorn Sirius showed towards him if he expressed these longings and didn't return them.

Even now he could feel Sirius' lips on his skin, imagining them trailing down his shoulder blade to the middle of his back. Remus could even see him now, see his black hair his face, going from behind to the front, as Sirius lips placed hot kisses up his body until finally their lips met. Remus moaned deep in his throat. He remembered himself, and finished rinsing his golden hair.

Remus hung his head; water gathered in the shallowness of his eye sockets and his bangs concealed half his face.

He'd just have to take the truth with him to the grave.

Only once he was fully dressed did Remus notice the time; fourth years weren't allowed in the halls past this hour. He dashed along the corridors, his dripping hair bouncing and splashing in his wake, hoping he wouldn't have the misfortune of running into anyone of authority.

Upon making it to the common room successfully he noticed it was empty, how odd he thought, when did his fellow Gryffindors go to bed at a decent time?

He sat in his favourite chair by the fire in hopes the heat would dry his hair.

Remus closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth on his skin.

"Your hair smells good."

Remus nearly jumped, his eyes snapping open just the same. "Sirius, what are you doing up?"

"I dunno," Sirius replied lazily, somewhere above Remus' left ear. He let his forearms dangle on either side of Remus' head while he closed his eyes, his chin resting on the chair.

Remus glanced at Sirius' hands nervously.

"Where are Peter and James?"

Sirius chuckled, "Not surprisingly, Peter's asleep, he's always first for that. And James," Sirius shifted his weight, "Up in the Owlery with Lily."

"How romantic."

"Yeah," Sirius chuckled, "I told James that'd win her over."

Remus smiled. James, no matter what Lily said or did, would not give up vying for her affection. He hoped they'd get together, they'd have lovely kids.

"You're quiet Reem."

"I'm thinking."

"No, I mean, it's not like it used to be."

"What do you mean?"

"We'd tell each other loads of stuff, now, you're distant. Or are you always thinking when we're together?"

Remus was a little taken aback, but Sirius was right, ever since he acknowledged his feelings their friendship had changed.

Sirius sighed, "You're thinking again."

Remus turned in his chair, "You're absolutely right. I'm sorry for being so quiet and moody but things have changed."

"Like what? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, you're perfectly fine, it's just me."

"A little more description would help."

"That's part of the problem, I'm afraid it would hurt our friendship."

"Reem, there's nothing you can do to hurt our friendship." He smiled, "Well there are a few things." He began naming off with his fingers and Remus smiled too, "You could tell all our secrets to Filch, befriend Snivellus," He grimaced, "What else? Oh, become a Death Eater, then I'll have to kill you, but that's all." He shrugged.

"Wait a minute!" Ill conceived comprehension dawned on him, Remus rose his brows in surprise, "You haven't found someone you fancy have you?"

The colour rose in Remus' face but it went unnoticed.

"Cause if you have," Sirius pressed on, "Peter and I will have to disown you and James, if you start acting like that embarrassing git..."


	6. Confessional

**6:Confessional**

Remus wouldn't dwell on his feelings until years later, when the end of the world again seemed nigh and all that mattered were the ones you loved.

"Listen Sirius, I've got something important to tell you." Remus' hands were shaking, his heart beating madly. He paced to prevent these things from being noticed.

_I have to tell him, it's got to be said before I lose him again._

"Order business?"

Remus shook his head.

Sirius remained seated, watching his old friend with interest.

"I know Voldemort having returned to power is much more important than anything else at the moment-" Remus' words were spilling quickly from his mouth. "-I can't hold it in any longer."

He stopped pacing, turning back toward Sirius he found him inches away. "Sirius-" Remus took a faltering step back, his eyes flicking from Sirius to his mouth.

Sirius held up a finger to cease the babbling.

Remus' breath was still coming in short bursts, "Sirius, I-"

"I know." Sirius replied simply.

Remus shook his head, "No, please, before I lose my nerve-"

"Calm down." Sirius' voice was soothing.

"I'm sorry-"

Pressing his lips against Remus' Sirius cut him off.

Remus made a noise in his throat of contentment.

"You're really cute when you're nervous." Sirius smiled when they paused for air.

Remus nodded, breathing heavily, his eyes a glazed over peacefulness.

"You think I haven't known?"

Remus was still dazed and couldn't find his voice.

"I can't say exactly when I knew, but I did. Well, it was more when I knew I felt something for you. I just never wanted to express my desires for fear I was misreading you."

Remus choked. "When you escaped, I was so mad at myself for ever doubting your innocence and I regretted never having told you." He embraced his friend for the first time since they were teens.

**A/N:** I didn't want to kill their happiness with details of the deceit and harsh reality of their futures, I felt it would spoil the vibe, so I left it as is. Later on as it nags me I may add the unhappiness.

Hope you thought it was worth your time. Thank you for reading, you bring me joy in volumes.

Conceived June 3, 2004 Typed & Completed March 19 2005


End file.
